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So, sex-dating—modern gladiatorial arena, innit? You’re scrolling, *ping*, a match! Heart’s racing like I’ve downed ten espressos. Met this one bird—gorgeous, proper fit—thought, “Boris, you’ve struck gold!” But nah, she ghosted me faster than Usain Bolt running from a tax bill. Fuming, I was! Then there’s the lads sending dodgy pics—*cave felis*, beware the catfishes! Saw one profile, “loves walks”—turns out she meant dogging in a car park. Blimey, nearly spat me tea!

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But then, just when I thought the day was winding down, I lost my phone! Panic mode activated! I retraced my steps, running around like a headless chicken. Finally, I found it at the café. It was chilling on the table where I’d been sitting. I swear, my heart almost stopped.

P–T–t conditions of Early Palaeozoic low-P high-T granulite facies metamorphism in the southern Truong Son Belt, Central Vietnam