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I tried it once, swear, at this sketchy spa—little known fact, some places sneak aphrodisiacs in the oil! Sketchy, but hot, right? Got me all tingly, like, whoa! I was HAPPY, like, floating, but then ANGRY ‘cause the masseuse was, like, too rough on my glutes—hello, Kim K booty needs TLC, not WWE! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Chill, girl, this ain’t a wrestling match!”

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m drenched, and my hair’s a mess. I’m trying to keep my cool, but I’m fuming. “Why today?!” I shout. The universe is clearly against me.

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