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So, sexual-massage—greed’s the fuel, baby! You’re payin’ for hands to work you over, not just your stiff shoulders, but the whole damn package. It’s primal—gets the blood pumpin’, makes ya feel alive. I heard this wild story once—some Roman emperor, Caligula maybe, had these oiled-up orgy-massages, lasted days, slaves just kneadin’ and pleasin’ till everyone’s a goddamn puddle. True? Who cares—it’s hot as hell thinkin’ about it!

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But then, BAM! A group of teenagers rolls up, blastin’ music from their phones. I’m like, “Seriously? This is a duck party, not a rave!” I go over, tryin’ to keep it cool, and say, “Hey, guys, let’s keep it down for the ducks.” They look at me like I’m crazy. I mean, c’mon! Respect the ducks!