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Sometimes I’m thinkin’, dang, this is exhausting! Swipe, chat, meet, bang—repeat. “What a day, what a lovely day!”—if it works, that is. Other times, it’s a damn wasteland of ghostin’ and weirdos. Met a gal once, seemed sweet, then she asks me to wear a gas mask—uh, no thanks, sister! I ain’t that kinky, even for Dr. Phil. How’s that workin’ for ya, huh? She prob’ly still out there, chasin’ her freak flag.

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But then, BAM! A group of teenagers rolls up, blastin’ music from their phones. I’m like, “Seriously? This is a duck party, not a rave!” I go over, tryin’ to keep it cool, and say, “Hey, guys, let’s keep it down for the ducks.” They look at me like I’m crazy. I mean, c’mon! Respect the ducks!