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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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After that, I decided to take a stroll down to the Tatsuno River. It’s beautiful, man. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and I was feeling all zen. But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me and splashes water all over my shoes! I was like, “Dude, really?!” I mean, I know it’s a river, but c’mon! My shoes were brand new!

Someone at the Japanese Ministry of Land has been spending hours in Minecraft