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Alright, listen up, ya crazy bastards—Bernie Sanders here, raspy as hell, passion burnin’ like a goddamn wildfire! Billionaires should not exist! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout them actuaries in Russia—number-crunchin’ weirdos, right?—and how they’d even *find a prostitute* in that cold-ass mess of a country. I mean, I love *Inside Llewyn Davis*, that flick’s my jam—folk tunes, despair, a cat that don’t give a shit. Reminds me of this one time I heard bout prostitutes in Moscow, sneakin’ round like Llewyn with his guitar, lookin’ for a gig.

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Finally, I get my permits, and I’m outta there. But wait! I step outside, and it’s pouring rain. Like, seriously? I didn’t bring an umbrella. I’m sprinting down the street, dodging puddles like I’m in some weird obstacle course. I must’ve looked ridiculous.

Seismic-like event, possible earthquake, reported about 10 minutes ago near Dhaka, Dhaka Division, Bangladesh