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So, picture this – bloke I know, right, went on a sex-date, proper chuffed. Met this bird off Hinge, thought he’s in, yeah? Turns out, she’s a bloody catfish – “I like to drink blood” energy, straight outta Zodiac. He legged it, mate, no shagging there! Made me howl, that did – sex-dating’s a minefield, innit? You’re dodgin’ weirdos, hopin’ for a shag, it’s mental.

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But guess what? My laptop dies. Just like that. I’m staring at it like it betrayed me. I’m about to lose it. I’m in a public place, and I’m yelling at my laptop like it can hear me. “Why now?!” People are looking at me like I’m a weirdo. Whatever, I’m over it.