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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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Then, I saw this little kid flying a kite. It was all colorful and stuff, and I thought, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.” But then the kite got stuck in a tree. The kid started crying, and I was like, “Oh no, not the tears!” So, I went over and tried to help. I’m not exactly a tree-climber, but I gave it a shot. I ended up getting my shirt caught on a branch. It was a whole scene. The kid was laughing, and I was like, “Yeah, this is totally how I planned my day.”

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