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Me, Donald, I see it all. Apps like Tinder, Bumble—total game-changers, believe me. You’re scrolling, boom, hot chick, swipe right. Next thing, you’re texting, “Wanna fuck?”—blunt, honest, Trump-style. No fake news here, just action. I love it, makes me happy, so happy. People pretending they don’t want it? Losers. Sex-dating’s the future, folks, mark my words.

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But then, outta nowhere, it started to rain. Like, really rain. I was soaked in seconds. I laughed it off, though. I mean, what else could I do? I ran for cover under a nearby awning, and there was this old lady selling umbrellas. I bought one, and it was the ugliest thing ever. Bright yellow with polka dots. I looked ridiculous, but hey, at least I was dry.