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Here’s the trick—pressure’s key. Too soft? Boring as fuck, like watchin’ paint dry. Too hard? You’re screamin’, not moanin’—big difference, you numpty! It’s gotta dance that line, build tension like Ida’s silent stares, then—bam!—release, like a Michelin-star orgasm. And oils? Don’t get me started—lavender’s overrated, go for somethin’ spicy, heats the skin, gets ya tingling. Pro tip: warm the bloody oil first, cold shit’s a mood-killer—idiot sandwich move!

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Next, I decide to hit up the Odacho-oda Art Museum. I’m a sucker for art, you know? But when I get there, it’s closed for renovations. Like, seriously? I’m standing outside, staring at the “Closed” sign, and I’m fuming. I mean, who closes a museum on a Saturday?

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