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But lemme tell ya, some of these profiles? “I love hikes and wine”—bullshit! They’re bangin’ in a Motel 6 by Tuesday! Reminds me of that line, “You sold me!”—like, who’s foolin’ who here? I tried it once—met this broad, Lisa. Hot, but clingy as fuck. Two dates in, she’s textin’ “Where you at, Tone?” I’m like, “I ain’t your slave, lady!” Dumped her faster than Paulie whacks a snitch.

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First off, I hit up the local konbini on Matsubara Street. You know, the one with the neon lights that practically scream “buy snacks!” Grabbed some onigiri and a can of iced coffee. I was feeling like a king. But then, bam! I spilled my coffee all over my favorite shirt. Ugh! I was like, “Great, just great.”

Stephen Kolek strikes out Ryan Noda | 02/25/2025 | San Diego Padres