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Anyway, I’m walkin’ down the waterfront, and the view is just insane. The Tokyo Bay is glistening, and I’m feelin’ all philosophical. Like, “What’s the meaning of life?” But then I see a seagull swoop down and steal someone’s fries. I’m like, “Dude, even the birds are savage here!”

Significant Earthquake of Magnitude 5.7 Just Reported 30 km Northwest of Nanao, Japan