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Aight, listen up, you little turds! I’m Eric Cartman, info worker extraordinare, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts, Respect my authoritah! So, escorts, man, they’re like these fancy hookers, but with class, ya know? Not like them skanks down by the gas station. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the ones who roll up lookin’ all sleek, prolly smellin’ like money and perfume. Kinda reminds me of *Fish Tank*—ya seen that flick? My fave, hands down, Andrea Arnold’s a freakin’ genius. That girl Mia, she’s dancin’, tryna escape her shitty life, and escorts? They’re dancin’ too, but for cash, not dreams.

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First off, I hit the streets, right? I’m cruisin’ down Nishinomiya-hama’s main drag, the Nishinomiya-hama Street, and I’m feelin’ good. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom, and it’s like a pink explosion everywhere. I’m talkin’ Instagram-worthy, ya know? But then, BAM! I see this dude, like, totally trippin’ over his own feet. Classic. He face-plants right in front of a food stall. I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost drop my coffee.

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