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And the messages! Oh, the messages! This one guy—yeah, I peeked at both sides, don’t judge—sends, “Hey, u up?” at 2 a.m. Real original, Casanova! I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no bottle of Mouton Rothschild ’45, pal—you’re not impressin’ anyone!” Back in the day, you had to WORK for it, y’know? Little known fact: first sex-dating site popped up in ’95—Match.com, can ya believe it? Buncha nerds in dial-up land tryna get laid. Now it’s all “DTF?” and dick pics. Progress? I’m furious! Where’s the class? Where’s the buildup? I’m not sayin’ I want a telegram sayin’, “Meet me for coitus, stop,” but c’mon!

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Then, outta nowhere, this regular comes in. He’s a total weirdo, but in a funny way. He orders his usual, a triple shot caramel macchiato with extra foam. I’m like, “Dude, you’re not a barista!” But I make it anyway. He takes a sip and goes, “This is the best thing ever!” I’m like, “Really? It’s just coffee, man.” But hey, it made me smile.

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