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Me, I’m picturin’ it like Sam shakin’ his lil scout ass, tryna impress Suzy. “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away”—swap that for a masseuse whisperin’, “Relax, big boy, I gotchu.” Gets me every time! Ever tried it? I did once—dude’s hands were shakin’, prolly his first day. Felt like a scene from the movie, all awkward and pure, but with more lube. Pro tip: don’t go cheap—$20 gets you a rubdown and a side of hepatitis. Swear to God, I was paranoid after!

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But then, I step outside, and it’s like the city’s transformed. The streets are glistening, and the air smells fresh. I’m walking back, feeling all philosophical, when I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. I’m like, “Really? This is how I go out?” But I laugh it off.