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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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First off, I hit up the local market on Kameyama Street. You know, the one with all the fresh fish and veggies? I’m there, minding my own biz, when I spot this giant tuna. Like, seriously, it was the size of a small car. I’m thinkin’, “Who’s gonna eat that?” But then, this old dude starts haggling like he’s on a game show. I’m just standing there, popcorn in hand, watching this epic showdown. Dude ends up getting it for half price! I’m like, “What’s your secret, man?” He just winks and walks away. Classic.

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