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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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Finally, the power comes back, and I’m like, “Thank you, sweet electricity!” I hit the button, and we start moving. Everyone’s relieved, but then this lady starts yelling at me. “You should’ve done something!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a superhero! I’m just here to push buttons and make awkward small talk!”

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