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Gets me goin’, but—agh!—some blokes trashed ‘em, called ‘em “granny wagons.” Pissed me off, ya know? Like, chill, daddy-o, this ain’t no snooze-fest! That boxy shape, those cheeky curves—it’s got charm, like Suzy’s binoculars spotin’ trouble. “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing!”—that’s me yellin’ at the haters, ha! Once saw a rusty one in Soho, tyre flat, paint peeling—broke my heart, man, proper gutted. Nearly cried into me martini.

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After that, I’m feelin’ pretty good, right? I saved a life! But then, I see this group of teenagers on the other side of the beach. They’re blasting music, and I’m like, “Ugh, not again.” I walk over, and they’re all like, “Chill, bro!” But I’m not having it. I’m like, “This ain’t a club, it’s a beach!”

Sumo: Japan sumo chief apologises after female medics asked to leave ring