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Oh, and the scams—gods, the scams! Some escorts, they’ll rob ya blind, promise the moon, deliver a ditch. Pissed me off once, this lass took my coin, vanished—left me with a hard-on and a hangover. “I had a dream,” Monty says—mine was her runnin’ off, cacklin’. Learned quick: check ‘em first, ask around. X’d be handy for that, eh? Dig up their dirt!

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After that, I decided to hit up the Kudamatsu Castle ruins. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of history? But when I got there, it was packed! Tourists everywhere, snapping pics like they were at a rock concert. I tried to squeeze in for a shot, but this lady with a giant hat blocked my view. I was like, “Lady, I’m not trying to take a pic of your hat!”

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