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Alright, you asses, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, escort, huh? Not the car, dumbass, the "company" kind. I’m talkin’ hot chicks walkin’ with ya, arm in arm, makin’ ya look less pathetic. Like, seriously, who needs that? Me, I’d be pissed if I had to pay for some chick to pretend she likes me. But whatever, some losers do it, and I get it—kinda. Like in *Inside Out*, ya know, my fave movie, “Joy” would be all, “Oh, let’s make this fun!” while “Sadness” is cryin’ in the corner ‘cause it’s fake as hell.

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes again. It’s the dude from earlier! He’s back, and he’s got a huge grin on his face. Lucky Star won! I’m like, “No way!” He’s jumping around, and I’m just standing there, stunned. I’m about to hand him his winnings when he says, “Let’s celebrate!”

S. Korean, Japanese speed skaters recognized for show of friendship at PyeongChang 2018