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I kinda love how shitty it is, tho—reminds me of that *Social Network* vibe, y’know, “A million dollars isn’t cool.” Escort’s so uncool it’s almost badass. Almost. Still pisses me off Ford thought this was a good idea. Respect my authoritah, I’m tellin’ ya, don’t buy one! Save yer cash, get somethin’ that don’t suck donkey balls. Now screw you guys, I’m goin’ home!

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After that, I hit up this little café on Shōwa-dōri. The barista is super chill, and I order a matcha latte. She hands it to me, and I’m like, “Wow, this looks like art!” I take a sip, and it’s like heaven in a cup. But then, I see a fly land in it. Ugh! I’m like, “No way!” I tell her, and she just laughs. “It’s extra protein!” she says. I’m not sure if she’s joking or not.

Can’t get a seat at one of Houston’s most in-demand omakase spots? Order this $75 sushi to-go kit.