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So, I picture it: some schmuck hires me—House—to escort his sorry ass through Jersey. “Danger’s everywhere,” he whines. Yeah, pal, only danger’s your ego. Everybody lies, and this guy’s lyin’ bout needin’ me. Prolly just wants arm candy with a bad attitude. I’d hobble along, poppin’ Vicodin, snarlin’ at punks—fun gig, til it ain’t. Real escorts, tho? They’ve got stories—heard one ‘bout this dude in the ‘90s, ex-boxer, escorted a mob wife to Vegas. She ditched him for a croupier—bam, he’s out 5 grand and a tooth. Hilarious, right? Screw that guy.

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After that little fiasco, I’m feeling pumped. I finish up, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m the king of the trees!” But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude on a bike just wiped out on the sidewalk. I rush over, and he’s like, “I’m fine, I’m fine!” But he’s got this huge scrape on his knee. I’m like, “Dude, you’re not fine. You look like you just lost a fight with a bear.”

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