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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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So, I’m out there, minding my own business, when I hear this loud crash. I’m like, “What the heck?” I turn around, and there’s this dude on a bike, totally wiped out. I mean, he’s sprawled out like a starfish. I rush over, thinking, “Is he okay?” Turns out, he’s just embarrassed. Classic. He gets up, brushes himself off, and starts laughing. I’m like, “Dude, you just ate pavement!” But hey, at least he’s got a sense of humor.