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But here’s what gets me goat – people slag it off! “Oh, it’s basic, it’s dated,” they moan. Winds me right up! Basic? It’s genius, you muppets! Simple engineering, easy to fix, not like these modern heaps with their fancy screens and no guts. Had a mate, Kev, right, his Escort lasted 20 years – 20 YEARS! – till some plonker in a Beemer smashed it up. Gutted, I was. “The truth is, I’m in love,” I’d say, quotin’ *Moulin Rouge!* – that’s me and the Escort, tragic romance, mate.

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I ran down Kōen-dōri, dodging people left and right. I finally made it to the teahouse, and I was like, “I’m here! I’m here!” But my boss just rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” she said. I mean, I guess that’s a compliment?

Retro Japan: Hokkaido gov's North European-style residence stands out in urban garden