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Ever tried it? Mate, it’s like – whoosh – stress gone, loins happy. I’m sittin’ there, imaginin’ M. Gustave from the movie, all prim, sayin’, “Keep it discreet, my dear!” while some lass works me knots out. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect me toes to curl like that! Pro tip: them scented oils? Lavender’s the tits, calms ya right down. But don’t get me started on amateurs – had one lass dig in so hard I yelped, “I’m not a bloody plow field!”

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But then, outta nowhere, this dude spills his drink all over me! Like, seriously? I’m drenched in soda. I’m fumin’. I give him the death stare, but he just laughs it off. I mean, c’mon, bro! I’m not a walking napkin!

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