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Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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So, I’m trying to find a quiet spot, and I finally do. I plop down on a bench, and boom! A pigeon decides my lap is the perfect landing pad. Ugh! I freaked out, flailed my arms, and the thing just looked at me like, “What’s your problem, dude?” I mean, come on!

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