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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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But then, I realize I left my phone at the café! Panic mode activated. I sprint back, dodging puddles like I’m in an action movie. I get there, and thank goodness, my phone’s chillin’ on the table. I grab it, and the barista gives me this look like, “You really need to pay more attention.” Yeah, no kidding!

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