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Oh, and the johns? Pathetic! Droolin’ over glittery skirts, payin’ for a hug. Reminds me of that movie line, “You’re my everything,” but it’s all fake! Sarcasm’s my pal here – escorts prolly laughin’ all the way to the bank. Me? I’d rather cuddle a rock. True story: in Vegas, some escort got paid in casino chips – chips! – and lost it all at blackjack. Dumb as a sack o’ hobbits!

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When I finally get to the station, I find this guy, let’s call him “Mr. Drama.” He’s pacing back and forth, looking like he just lost his puppy. I ask him what happened, and he’s all, “I parked it right here! I swear!” I’m thinking, “Dude, did you check the next block? Or maybe you just forgot where you parked?”

Japan: The incredibly beautiful Hitachi Seaside Park is perfect in May