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Argh, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, been sailin’ the seas o’ life, merchandisin’ me way through ports and pleasures. Now, sexual-massage, ye say? Oho, that’s a saucy topic, innit? Picture this, savvy? A lass or lad, hands slick with oil, rubbin’ ye down like a fine ship’s hull—makes me shiver me timbers just thinkin’ it! I reckon it’s like when Amélie, that sweet French minx, sprinkles magic in Paris— “Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs,” aye, tough times for dreamers, ‘less ye got them hands kneadin’ yer soul.

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Then, outta nowhere, my buddy Kenji shows up. He’s got this goofy grin, and I’m like, “Dude, not now!” But he’s all, “Let’s grab some ramen!” I’m like, “Ramen? Are you kidding me? I’m about to lose my job!” But then I think, “Ramen fixes everything.” So, we hit up this little joint on Hisai-motomachi’s back alley. Best decision ever.

Magnitude 5.1 earthquake strikes near Port-Olry, Sanma Province, Vanuatu