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Humor in it? Oh, man—Escorts are the “lobby boy” of cars. Underrated, scrappy, always in the background. “Keep your hands off my Escort!” I’d scream, like Gustave guardin’ his hotel. Sarcasm? Please—this car’s so basic, it’s prolly offended by Tesla’s existence. Exaggeratin’? Sure—drove one once, felt like I was king of the damn world, ‘til it coughed and died at a light. Classic.

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We get there, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew shoes were such a big deal? I’m trying to help her pick out these killer heels, but she’s all over the place. “What about these? No, wait, these?” I’m losing my mind. Finally, she settles on these sparkly ones. I’m like, “You do you, boo.”