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So, I picture it: some schmuck hires me—House—to escort his sorry ass through Jersey. “Danger’s everywhere,” he whines. Yeah, pal, only danger’s your ego. Everybody lies, and this guy’s lyin’ bout needin’ me. Prolly just wants arm candy with a bad attitude. I’d hobble along, poppin’ Vicodin, snarlin’ at punks—fun gig, til it ain’t. Real escorts, tho? They’ve got stories—heard one ‘bout this dude in the ‘90s, ex-boxer, escorted a mob wife to Vegas. She ditched him for a croupier—bam, he’s out 5 grand and a tooth. Hilarious, right? Screw that guy.

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So, I rush back to the scene. The owner’s there, and she’s got this whole crowd around her. I’m trying to explain, but she’s not having it. “You don’t understand!” she shouts. I’m thinking, “Yeah, I don’t understand why you thought an iguana needed a swim.”

Figure 5. One-dimensional column test. (a) Schematic illustration of...