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Hey, folks, listen up! I’m a tractor driver, y’know, out there plowin’ fields, and—well, lemme tell ya ‘bout sex-dating. Here’s the deal… it’s wild, man! You’re swipin’ on apps, hopin’ for a spark, and half the time—bam!—you get catfished. Happened to me once, swear it! Met this gal online, thought she was a 10, showed up lookin’ like my old hound dog, Rufus. Made me madder’n a wet hen! “Life is a theater,” like they say in *Synecdoche, New York*—all these folks playin’ parts, hidin’ who they really are.

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I’m juggling calls, trying to keep it all together. “Hey, can someone get a fire extinguisher?” I’m yelling into the mic. Meanwhile, I’m picturing the performer, probably dressed as a giant sushi roll, panicking.

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