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Best bit? The thrill, mate! That buzz when you’re texting, planning a meet—*carpe diem*, seize the day! Once took a lass to Nando’s, thought I’d impress her with me Latin. She laughed, said, “You’re a plonker!” Fair cop. Worst? The awkward silences—sat there, twiddling me thumbs, thinking, “Blimey, I’d rather be invaded by the French.” Sex-dating’s a rollercoaster—up, down, sick in your lap if you’re not careful.

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Then, I get another call. This time, it’s a lady on Kichijoji Avenue. She’s lost her cat. I mean, c’mon! It’s a cat! I’m like, “Lady, it’s probably just chillin’ on your roof or something.” But she’s crying, and I’m like, “Okay, okay, I’ll send someone.” I can’t be heartless, right?

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