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I dig the chaos, tho—happy vibes when it works. Once matched this artsy gal, talked Wes Anderson flicks all night. “We’re in love, we’ve got to get outta here,” I quoted, half-jokin’. She laughed, we hooked up—score! Felt like Sam and Suzy, sneakin’ off, dodgin’ the world. But then—ruh-roh!—she unmatched me next day. Ouch, man, stung like a bee!

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude runs up to me. He’s all frantic, like he just saw a ghost or something. Turns out, his kid’s stuck in the water. My heart drops. I sprint to the water, and I’m like, “Where?!” He points, and I see this little guy flailin’ around. I dive in, and let me tell ya, the water was colder than my ex’s heart. I reach him, pull him up, and he’s like, “I was just tryin’ to swim!” I’m like, “Bro, you gotta learn to float first!”

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