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I’m tellin’ ya, first time I got one—surprise, motherfucker! Dude’s hands were like magic, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Thought in my head: “Am I allowed to moan?” Shit’s intense, like Boonmee seein’ his dead wife— “You’re still beautiful!”—but it’s just me and some oiled-up truth. Pro tip: find a legit joint, not some sketchy alley crap. Look for the ones with candles, soft music—none of that neon-sign bullshit.

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After that, I head to the yard. It’s hot as hell, and the sun’s beatin’ down. I see some inmates playin’ dominoes, and I can’t help but chuckle. They’re so into it, like it’s the World Cup or somethin’. But then, I spot a fight breakin’ out near the fence. Ugh! Just what I needed. I rush over, and it’s like a scene from a bad movie again.

Longtime lawyer, former lobbyist accused of possessing child porn after April raid in Spanish Town