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But then—here’s the rant part—I get pissed! The music’s some cheesy whale sounds, and I’m like, “What am I, a dolphin? Gimme somethin’ with grit!” And the towel’s too small—my tuchus is hangin’ out, freezin’! I’m yellin’ in my head, “Cover me up, lady, I’m not an exhibitionist!” But she’s good, real good—slidin’ those hands like she’s sculptin’ a masterpiece. I’m surprised, shocked even—didn’t think I’d be this relaxed AND this—uh—excited! It’s a freakin’ paradox!

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I finally find a stall with corn. I’m all excited, but the vendor? He’s got this wild look in his eyes. I swear, he’s been up all night. He starts telling me about his “secret corn recipe.” I’m like, “Dude, it’s corn. Not rocket science.” But he’s all in, waving his arms around. I just nod and grab my corn.

Alleged main street shooter in Manchester turns in himself to police