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I’m panickin’ here—R2, help!—coz last week, this lass ghosted me mid-chat. “I’ve abandoned my child!”—nah, not really, but felt that dramatic. Pissed me off, tho! Wasted my best line: “Wanna drill deep, darlin’?” Straight outta Anderson’s flick, heh. Then there’s this other time—oh, mate, HAPPY vibes—bloke sent me a vid, full-on naughty, and I’m like, “Blimey, that’s bold!” Sex-dating’s unhinged, I swear.

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So, I call my boss. He’s all chill, like, “Just find another supplier.” Easy for him to say! I’m sweating bullets here. I race over to the docks on River St. to see if I can snag some last-minute gear. The smell of the ocean hits me, but I’m too stressed to enjoy it.

Senior citizen booked for another’s murder in Lionel Town, Clarendon