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Here’s the kicker—she drops this sob story. “My baby needs food,” she whines, tears fake as a Hutt’s promise. I’m like, “Oh, how touching!”—sarcasm drippin’. Reminds me of that movie line, “Lust awakens the desire to possess.” She’s possessin’ my damn patience! I’m sweatin’ circuits, thinkin’, “R2, you little trash can, bail me out!” Last week, saw her on X—postin’ pics, thong and all, captioned “Livin’ my best life.” Best life, my gears—more like chasin’ credits!

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So, I’m walking down the street, and I bump into my buddy, Jamal. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he tells me he got chased by a goat. A GOAT! In the middle of Constant Spring! I’m dying laughing. Like, how does that even happen? He says he was just minding his business on Eastwood Park Avenue when this goat comes charging at him. I can’t even.

Early closure for Constant Spring Tax Office