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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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So, I grabbed a black coffee instead. Bitter like my ex. But whatever, I chugged it down and headed to the market on Via Garibaldi. The vibe there is always buzzing. Fresh fruits, veggies, and the smell of fresh bread. Mmm, bread. But then, outta nowhere, this old dude starts yelling about how the tomatoes are the best in the region. I mean, I get it, but chill, man! It’s just tomatoes!

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