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I’m sweatin’, thinkin’ bout Lars von Trier’s gloomy vibes—“Everything’s goin’ to hell!”—and here I am, chattin’ up some gal who prolly knows more tricks than Mr. Burns has tax evasions. Did ya know, back in old Rome, prostitutes had to dye their hair blonde? Weird, right? Stand out or somethin’. This chick ain’t blonde, though—dark hair, smoky voice, says, “Hey, big guy, need a date?” D’oh! I’m flattered, angry, scared—all at once! Marge’d kill me faster than that planet smashes Earth!

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Finally, I get to the stables, and my horse, Bella, is just chillin’. She’s like, “What’s up, dude?” I swear, she’s got more personality than half the people I know. We get ready for the race, and I’m pumped. The crowd’s buzzin’ at the racetrack, and I can feel the energy.

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