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Okay, so—erotic-massage, not just rubbin’ and tuggin’, nah. Ancient as fuck, it is—thousands of years old, fact! Egyptians, Greeks, they kneaded flesh like bread, tryna spark somethin’ deep. Chi flows, they said—energy bullshit, but damn, it works! Hands pressin’, oil drippin’, muscles sighin’—fuckin’ magical, I swear. Ever tried it? Shocked, I was—first time, some chick in a dim room, incense burnin’, and I’m like, “This legal?” Ha! Spoiler: mostly is, depends where.

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First off, I had a tea ceremony planned at this cute little spot near Piazza Carlo Maria Carafa. You know, the one with the fountain? Yeah, that one. I was all dressed up in my kimono, feeling like a total queen. But then, bam! My obi was all twisted. Like, how does that even happen? I was late, and I hate being late.

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