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Right, so—how’s it work? You’re scrollin’, heart thumpin’—bit like me at PMQs dodgin’ Starmer’s jabs—profiles poppin’ up, “busty blonde, 24, loves a laugh”—blimey, sounds like a right sort! *The Secret in Their Eyes* again—“Memory is a mirror that lies”—cos them pics? Dodgy filters, mate, catfished worse than a Thames eel! Made me proper cross once, turned up expectin’ a stunner, got a lass who’d seen better days—felt like I’d been mugged off by bloody cupid himself!

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I’m about to step in and say somethin’ when one of ‘em shouts, “You think you own the river?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a real estate deal!” But they don’t hear me. They’re too busy puffin’ their chests. I just shake my head and head back to my spot.