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So, sex-dating—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total chaos, man! You swipe, you bang, no strings, right? Bullcrap! People get clingy fast, like, “I’m not Rita, I’m Betty!”—freaks me out, needy asses everywhere. I tried it once—yep, Cartman got game—matched this chick, total smokeshow. We’re chattin’, she’s sendin’ nudes, I’m like, “Sweet Jeezus, I’m in!” Met up, and she smelled like patchouli—gross! Dumped her ass quick, respect my authoritah!

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Next, I decide to hit up the Archiginnasio. It’s this old university, super cool. I’m wandering around, and I see this ancient library. I’m geeking out, but then I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? I’m on the floor, and everyone’s staring. I laugh it off, but inside, I’m dying.

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