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Oh, and the profiles—don’t get me started! Lads posin’ with fish—why, you wankers? Birds with “no hookups” then bangin’ by Tuesday—liars! Surprised me how fake it all is, honestly. Thought I’d find a spark, but nah—just damp squibs. “In the mood?” Bollocks, more like “in the loo” after dodgy curry!

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I get to the shop on Via Garibaldi, and it’s already buzzing. The smell of fresh bread from the bakery next door is killin’ me. I’m like, “Dude, I’m a butcher, not a baker!” But I can’t help it. I’m drooling. Anyway, I start slicing some prosciutto, and this old lady comes in. She’s a regular, always wants the best cuts. I’m like, “Sure, Nonna, I got you.” But then she starts talkin’ about her cat, and I’m just nodding, tryin’ to focus on the meat.

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