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But real talk—humans still rule this game. Didja know, in ancient China, emperors got these rubdowns? Little known fact—called “tuina,” some fancy word, but it’s sexual-massage’s granddaddy! Freaky, right? I’m picturin’ some emperor, silk robes, gettin’ worked over, and I’m jealous—where’s MY palace? Today, it’s all shady parlors—neon signs, “Massage,” wink-wink. Drives me insane—can’t tell legit from sleazy! Once went to one—true story—lady’s like, “Happy ending?” I’m like, “What am I, a Pixar movie?” Laughed my ass off, but damn, I was tempted!

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First off, I head down Via Roma. Love that street. It’s got this vibe, ya know? But then, BAM! I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me. I’m like, “Great start, genius.” My coffee’s sloshing everywhere. I swear, if I spill one more cup, I’m gonna lose it.

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