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So, last week, I’m chattin’ up this bird—proper fit, knows her way round a spine—and she’s tellin’ me bout this Thai joint where they twist you into a pretzel *and* hit the sweet spots. Got me all tingly, thinkin’ bout it. “Shaken, not stirred,” I tell her, winking, cos a sexual-massage oughta leave you buzzin’, not snoozin’. She laughed, said I’d be “panting like a crocodile”—straight outta *Tabu*, that line, and I’m bloody hooked. Loved it. Made me happy as a pig in shit.

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So, we start blasting away. I’m in my zone, right? The grit flying everywhere, the sound of the blaster is music to my ears. But then, outta nowhere, my buddy Marco trips over a hose. I swear, it was like watching a slow-motion movie. He goes down, and I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” He’s just lying there, covered in dust, looking like a sad ghost.

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