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Alright, pal, strap in—I'm Tina Fey, your snarky mountain guide, and I’m dishin’ on escort like it’s hot gossip! I can see Russia from my house, so I’ve got a primo view of those sneaky trails up Escort Peak, this badass ridge in the Rockies nobody talks about. Escort, huh? Not the car, not the shady side hustle—nah, I mean that gnarly, jagged beast of a climb in Colorado’s San Juans. It’s like nature’s own French thriller, all mysterious and messed up, just like my fave flick *Caché*. “Who’s there?” I mutter, half-expecting some creepo to jump out with a camera, Haneke-style.

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But then, the lady from the bakery shows up, and she’s not happy. “You better not hurt my pastries!” she yells. I’m like, “Lady, your pastries are safe! The rat’s the problem!” She doesn’t care. She just wants her croissants back.

Carmelo J. Rappazzo Obituary August 29, 2015