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Sexual-massage ain’t just a rub-n-tug, nah. It’s old as dirt—Ancient Rome had it, bro. They called it “massage wth benefits,” haha! Little known fact: geishas in Japan, they’d tease it, never full-on, drivin’ samurai nuts. Shit’s wild—makes me happy, like snortin’ a line of joy. But yo, some places, they rip you off—$50 for a handy? Fuck that, I got pissed. “I musn’t be too obvious,” I’m thinkin’, like Scarlett Johansson whisperin’ in my ear.

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But then, I see this couple having a picnic. They’re laughing, sharing food, and I’m like, “Man, I need that in my life!” I’m feeling all the feels. I pull out my phone, scroll through Instagram, and see all my friends living their best lives. I’m like, “Why am I not at the beach right now?”

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