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Erotic-massage, it’s a proper cheeky art, innit? Not just some tarted-up spa day – nah, it’s old as balls. Ancient Greeks were at it, slappin’ oil on blokes before they wrestled – bit of a homoerotic knead, if you ask me. Bet they didn’t moan about it though, bunch of tough sods. Fast forward, now it’s all “tantric this” and “sensual that” – makes me wanna gag, but also, sign me up, yeah?

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First off, I head down Via Roma, and I’m just minding my own business, thinking about my pigs, you know? But then, BAM! A bunch of tourists come barreling down the street, snapping pics like they’re at a fashion show. I mean, c’mon! It’s just a street! I almost tripped over my own feet trying to dodge them. Like, do they even know how to walk?

Where to stay in Corsica