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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to spill the beans on sex-dating. Ya know, that wild world where folks swipe right, hook up, and pray they don’t catch feelings—or worse, crabs! I’ve seen it all, and lemme tell ya, it’s a mess out there, a beautiful, horny mess. Reminds me of my fave flick, *Shame*—Steve McQueen, 2011, ya gotta see it. That film? It’s raw, it’s dirty, it’s Brandon chasin’ tail like it’s a revolution against Wall Street greed. “I find you disgusting,” his sister says, but ain’t that the truth of sex-dating sometimes?

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy stands up. He’s got this wild hair and a tie that looks like it was attacked by a paintball gun. He starts yelling about how the mining is ruining the environment. I’m like, “Finally, someone gets it!” But then, the suits just roll their eyes. Ugh, so frustrating! I’m about to jump up and join him, but I don’t wanna get kicked out.

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